The Caped Crusader

bat

This gripping saga occurred when my wife and I were living in the high third floor apartment on Clark St. This was the apartment where I blew all the lights out in the building.

One night I was sleeping very soundly when I felt Gloria’s sharp elbow in my ribs. It had to be at least 3:00 am and an ungodly hour to be roused.

”Hon, I think there is a bat in the room,” she whispered in a hushed tone.

”If this is a nightmare or dream, could you please dream of butterflies?” I pleaded.

She reached out, turned on the light and a bat swooped down towards me. He was going for my hair, and I swiped wildly at the creature. I grabbed Gloria’s hand, made a dash for the bedroom door, and slammed the door so the bat would be contained.

We slept in the front room on the floor for the remainder of that night. Gloria slept on the couch. They say a bat’s bite can be lethal and I wasn’t going to find out if it was a myth or not.

In the morning I had to go to work. I told Gloria to phone the cops, the fire department, the zoo or the Anti-Cruelty society. One of them would be interested in our new fuzzy intruder. One by one, my wife called, and one by one they asked if she had been drinking. They all passed on the problem except the Anti-Cruelty society, which sent a man right out. When Gloria opened the door a newspaper photographer was standing beside this guy holding a long handled net. The bat was captured, and his wings were spread so that the photographer could take his picture. All Glor could say when she was asked for a comment was, ”ECCCCHHHH!” The photographer wanted to get a picture of Gloria holding the bat, but all she said was…”IN YOUR DREAMS!”

The story appeared in the newspaper but no picture. Either the photographer had his thumb over the lens, or they didn’t feel the picture was worthy. In any case I was an instant celebrity. All the small kids ran to me whenever they saw me. They wanted my autograph. One kid said he had never met Batman in the flesh, and he was thrilled that my bat cave was on his block. Oh yes, the guy from the Anti-Cruelty society kept asking Gloria if she had seen another bat. They travel in pairs he said. I couldn’t figure out how that bugger got in because we didn’t raise the windows…it was a mystery.

That night we were sitting on the couch in the front room watching TV. Gloria was really relaxed and looked like she was going to fall asleep.  That’s when I saw a silhouette of a bat fly across my line of vision right in front of the set. I jumped up, grabbed Gloria’s hand and told her to get dressed as if the place was on fire. She put a coat over her nightgown, slipped on her shoes, and we bugged out. We slept at my folks house that night. In the morning I told my dad I was going to tackle the bat. He said he would assist, but he wouldn’t be there for a while because he had something to do.

I walked in by myself, but the bat was gone. I started rummaging around, playing hide and seek, but I couldn’t find him. I turned the whole place upside down, even pulling open drawers (I was desperate.) The bell rang and it was my dad coming up the stairs. From a distance he asked me if I had checked the drapes. He said they like to hang upside down while they sleep. I hadn’t thought of that, and I went to look, while I left the door open for my dad. I didn’t see any bat, but my dad walked over and pulled the drapes.

I was about six feet from him, and I could see the bat six inches from his hand which was right below where the bat was hanging upside down. I yelped, my dad jumped, and I tossed him a broom while I went after the bat with a fly swatter and a can of raid. The bat ignored the raid and the swatter but when my dad hit him with the broom, it stunned him, and he went down for the count. The only reason I’m admitting to this transgression is to get it off my conscience; it’s been troubling me all these years.

We figured out that the bats had made their entry through a vent running in the closet, which I sealed.

The following night, I suggested to Gloria that we take in a movie. When we walked in the theater they passed out 3D glasses. It was the first showing of a three dimensional movie. Three minutes after the movie began, it had bats flying out of the screen into our faces. Gloria and I stood up and left the theater (I took the popcorn with me). We had our fill of bats.

(illustration courtesy of Agrino/Dreamstime.com)

About Jerry Goldberg

Jerry Goldberg grew up on the west side of Chicago. After high school, he was drafted in the Army during the Korean conflict. Upon his honorable discharge, he joined Local 130 in Chicago as a plumber, working from 1952 to 2000. Jerry has been happily married for 60 years, residing with his wife, Gloria, in Huntley, Illinois. They were blessed with two wonderful children, and have three grandchildren and three great-grandchildren.
When his son encouraged him to get online, Jerry replied, "What do I need that for?" But all that changed a year into his retirement, when his daughter gave him a modem for his birthday, opening a whole new chapter. Finding stained glass insufficiently fulfilling, Jerry discovered the AARP message boards and began his one-finger magic. Eventually, he became quite proficient (two fingers), starting a board called, "Jerry's Corner."

This board was the second most popular board on AOL. Jerry bantered with any and all, and began writing humorous true stories of his past life. The stories you see here are a compilation of most he has written ... enjoy!

About Jerry Goldberg

Jerry Goldberg grew up on the west side of Chicago. After high school, he was drafted in the Army during the Korean conflict. Upon his honorable discharge, he joined Local 130 in Chicago as a plumber, working from 1952 to 2000. Jerry has been happily married for 60 years, residing with his wife, Gloria, in Huntley, Illinois. They were blessed with two wonderful children, and have three grandchildren and three great-grandchildren.
When his son encouraged him to get online, Jerry replied, "What do I need that for?" But all that changed a year into his retirement, when his daughter gave him a modem for his birthday, opening a whole new chapter. Finding stained glass insufficiently fulfilling, Jerry discovered the AARP message boards and began his one-finger magic. Eventually, he became quite proficient (two fingers), starting a board called, "Jerry's Corner."

This board was the second most popular board on AOL. Jerry bantered with any and all, and began writing humorous true stories of his past life. The stories you see here are a compilation of most he has written ... enjoy!