How To Make A Million Dollars, Even If You Don’t Win The Powerball

million dollars

Just in case you haven’t won the Powerball jackpot recently, here are some other ways to make millions:

My first idea is a dating service that matches people based on pure Darwinism. A series of questions will determine each user’s chances of survival in various apocalypse situations. If you turn out to be dead weight, your date will be a firefighter or someone who can make bagels from scratch.  The tagline will be “Evolutionize your love life.”

My second idea is a full-service alarm system. It informs homeowners if that scratching sound against the bedroom window is an intruder, the wind, or the neighbor’s cat again. Users can choose a different narrator for each possible scenario. We will reach out to Ira Glass to record the calming “Everything will be fine. We are almost positive no one is breaking in” notification.

My third idea is a nighttime diaper for millennials. This invention would be universally beloved, but no one takes to a rebranding quite like this particular generation. Advertisers will tap into the eternal truth that sometimes you really don’t want to stand up and lose your train of.

My fourth idea is a notepad for thoughts. This technology is for everyone with a great idea and no pen. A small chip will be easily self-inserted through your ear, will record your best ideas and play them right back out of your head. The science is new on this. Post-its were likely a shock at first.

I’ll iron out the details in the morning.


**Leah Prinzivalli has a very active dream life, in which you follow her on Twitter.

(image of lightbulb and money courtesy of Salvatore Vuono/