Healthy Shmealthy

healthWhen I was a kid, cigarettes were touted as a healthy way to relax, control weight, improve your sex life, and make you look really cool. Now we know that cigs will age you prematurely, make your breath smell like an ashtray, and slowly but surely bring about an ugly, painful death.

On the other hand, chocolate used to be a no-no because it not only made you fat and gross, but it also caused zits. Today, chocolate is promoted as being good for mind, body, and spirit. I was ahead of my time on that one; I didn’t need a 10 million dollar study to tell me that Hershey bars are a good thing.

Then there is coffee. Studies determined that your morning Joe was giving the jitters as well as eating out your insides. Decaf was preferred, until scientists found it caused sterility and male pattern baldness. Caffeinated coffee is back.

I am not a slave to what is fashionable in the food world. Vegetarians make me uncomfortable and Vegans absolutely creep me out. Greens are for rabbits, roughage is for squirrels and tofu is for the mentally unstable. If you choose not to eat meat – or even dairy products – that is your business; I really don’t care. But don’t try to make me responsible for the death of Porky Pig, Elsie the Cow, or Chicken Little. They are all welcome to my dinner table. If God didn’t want us to eat meat, then why did he invent the rotisserie?

And I am tired of feeling inadequate because I am outside the bounds of what the experts deem to be my “ideal weight”. At six feet tall, I am supposed to weigh no more than 168 pounds. I haven’t weighed that since the third grade. I don’t think I know anyone who is not on their death bed who is at their ideal weight.

A recent article in the paper stated that scientist in Britain (why is it always Britain?) determined that the circumference of your belly – not your waist – should be less than half your height if you are truly healthy. So, hypothetically, if my gut were, say, 50 inches around, my height would have to be at least 100 each for me to be healthy. Unless I hit a growth spurt and reach eight feet four inches tall, I am doomed.

My philosophy is to ignore the health Nazis and eat, drink and be pudgy. If you avoid every food that is suspect: meat, dairy, alcohol, soda, carbs, inorganically grown veggies, etc. – you will be reduced to subsisting on hummus and rain water.

Statistically speaking, we obese Americans are going to live to be about 80 no matter what we do. I can think of just a few things we should avoid:

  1. Don’t smoke anything legal.
  2. Don’t drink and drive unless in a golf cart.
  3. Don’t date anyone named Bundy, Kevorkian or Kardashian.
  4. Avoid joggers, weight watchers and religious nuts.

Above all, ignore the latest health news; the findings will be refuted before you can finish that Twinkie.