My Ear Won’t Hear


June 14-June 21, 2014– Dear Secret Diary, my beautiful left ear pictured above (please ignore the grey in my beard) won’t hear.  Last Wednesday, I started feeling under the weather, and by Friday, well no need to repeat myself. 

But this Diary entry isn’t about my ear, although I will note: 1) I fully expect my hearing to come back in due course, and 2) I hope it does come back because ears are pretty odd looking things, and so it seems silly to have something so silly attached to your head but serving no purpose.

Instead, this Diary entry is about the last week’s visits to the Dr.  Now Diary, I fully understand that interactions with the medical community are serious times and no laughing matter.

I have had a lot of visits to the doctors over time.  Inspired by Alan, I decided that just because they aren’t laughing matters, that doesn’t mean that I can’t shoot for some playful moments and laughter during such visits.  Doing so helps me and seems to help the medical teams and others around me.

— Monday morning, I hit the phone and got an appointment with our ENT (Ear, Nose, and Throat) Dr..  Mindful of how specialized the medical field is becoming, when I arrived, I checked with the front desk and then confirmed with the Dr. that he was still working on left ears as well as right ears.  Fortunately, his practice is still bilateral.  I wonder though if when he gets older and wants to slow down, he’ll decide to focus just on right ears.

— Tuesday morning, I went in for a hearing test.  In this test, they beep and make other noises in your ears and around your ears to try to determine just what you can hear and try to identify perhaps where the problem lies.  After the test, the Dr. was pleased to report the good news that my right ear is “perfect”.  I told her I intended to sacrifice a lamb to the deities and asked her if she thought this could help.  She said, “It could.”  I asked a friend to come over and help in the ceremony, but she was busy; interestingly, she said she was busy before she even knew when the ceremony would take place.

— In the course trying to make appointments, get test results, etc., I have called the ENT’s office a few time, no doubt driving the nice lady who answers the phones crazy.  To try to prepare her for what is to come when I call, I have started calls with, “Hi, its the pest, The Big Milkshake…”  I think she likes it.  She called me as I was writing this entry in response to an inquiry, and I immediately launched in, “Why are you bothering me, you call me five times a day, stop bothering me…”  She sweetly said, “Because you’re a good person.”  We both laughed.  I like her.

— My theory is that the situation with me happens only to people who are very handsome, smart, muscular, funny, good lovers, and good drivers.  I intend to run this hypothesis by the Dr. when next I talk to him.

— The biggest plus of the situation as it currently stands is that one less ear means I can do more talking and less listening.  My wife doesn’t buy it.

— Finally, just in casemy ear doesn’t recover, I have begun preparing its eulogy.  Thoughts that have been coming to mind include: “My ear was always there when I needed it.  It was a great listener, never interrupted me nor talked back.  I won’t miss it because it will be staring me in the face every time I look in the mirror.”  I seem to think this stuff is funnier than those around me do.  But Diary, all ideas on this topic welcome.  Thanks.

PS.  I really have to do something about that grey in my beard.