The Well-Digger

fixit

Along with all the message boards that popped up on AARP, I noticed one called, ”Mr. Fix-it”. This board consisted of a husband and wife team that answered all sorts of do-it-yourself questions that readers submitted. I also noticed that they tried to intersperse humor in their responses, and I decided to test the depth of their plumbing knowledge and at the same time duel them in viscerally funny responses at the same time.

My question was: ”I have a 1/2” copper line that feeds my laundry faucet in the basement, and one of the elbows on the cold water is leaking. I shut off my main water valve in order to cut the line but my main valve doesn’t seem to be holding and I can’t solder with water dripping. What should I do?”

Mr Fix-it: ”Use bread!” (He was exactly on target, as I had done this many times)

Me: ”Huh? Please explain yourself.”

Mr Fix-it: ”Your main shut-off has to be replaced because it’s not shutting off completely, but that’s no job for an amateur. Instead, to fix the leak you can cut the line with a tube cutter, and pack bread in the pipe. The bread will absorb the water and give you the needed time to remove the elbow and slip a coupling in the line with a new piece of pipe, and then you solder everything up.”

Me: ”What kind of bread?” ( I figured I had him now.)

Mr. Fix-it: ”Wait, I’ll ask my wife.” (Sissy!)

( a long lull)

Mr. Fix-it (joking around): ”My wife said white bread works best.”

Me: ”I don’t eat white bread!” (I got him now.)

Mr. Fix-it: ”How about rye bread?” (unbelievable)

Me: ”With or without seeds?”

Mr. Fix-it: Definitely no seeds, you don’t want to get a seed stoppage. (This guy is quick.)

Me: Okay, thanks, I’ll let you know what happens

The next day I’m back.

Mr. Fix-it: How did it go?

Me: I have no water.

Mr. Fix-it: In your laundry tub?

Me: No, in my entire house, and I found out my block on my side of the street is without water.

Mr. Fix-it. My fault, I never told you how much bread to stuff in.

Me: What do I do now?

Mr Fix-it: Gather your neighbors together and start a fund. I live in Maine, and I can fly out and use compressed air to clear out all the lines for you and all your neighbors.

Me: Are you kidding, how much will that cost?

Mr. Fix-it: $4.000.00 should handle it nicely, but that’s without the tip.

Me: Thanks but no thanks, I’m digging a well. While I have your attention, my bathtub is clogged, what do I do?

That was when Mr. Fix-it ended our Instant Message exchange.

(I have to believe that Mr.Fix-it’s sense of humor is just as outrageous as mine is.)

(photo courtesy of Serge Bertasius Photography/Freedigitalphotos.net)

Jerry Goldberg About Jerry Goldberg

Jerry Goldberg grew up on the west side of Chicago. After high school, he was drafted in the Army during the Korean conflict. Upon his honorable discharge, he joined Local 130 in Chicago as a plumber, working from 1952 to 2000. Jerry has been happily married for 60 years, residing with his wife, Gloria, in Huntley, Illinois. They were blessed with two wonderful children, and have three grandchildren and three great-grandchildren.
When his son encouraged him to get online, Jerry replied, "What do I need that for?" But all that changed a year into his retirement, when his daughter gave him a modem for his birthday, opening a whole new chapter. Finding stained glass insufficiently fulfilling, Jerry discovered the AARP message boards and began his one-finger magic. Eventually, he became quite proficient (two fingers), starting a board called, "Jerry's Corner."

This board was the second most popular board on AOL. Jerry bantered with any and all, and began writing humorous true stories of his past life. The stories you see here are a compilation of most he has written ... enjoy!

Jerry Goldberg About Jerry Goldberg

Jerry Goldberg grew up on the west side of Chicago. After high school, he was drafted in the Army during the Korean conflict. Upon his honorable discharge, he joined Local 130 in Chicago as a plumber, working from 1952 to 2000. Jerry has been happily married for 60 years, residing with his wife, Gloria, in Huntley, Illinois. They were blessed with two wonderful children, and have three grandchildren and three great-grandchildren.
When his son encouraged him to get online, Jerry replied, "What do I need that for?" But all that changed a year into his retirement, when his daughter gave him a modem for his birthday, opening a whole new chapter. Finding stained glass insufficiently fulfilling, Jerry discovered the AARP message boards and began his one-finger magic. Eventually, he became quite proficient (two fingers), starting a board called, "Jerry's Corner."

This board was the second most popular board on AOL. Jerry bantered with any and all, and began writing humorous true stories of his past life. The stories you see here are a compilation of most he has written ... enjoy!

Smiles For All