Til Death Shoe Us Part

wedding

It was June 12th, 1998.  I stared disdainfully at my white satin “wedding shoes” and mentally calculated the hours until I could take them off.  Just a few minutes later, I was walking across the room to marry my best friend.

Not fans of tradition, we got married in a bed-and-breakfast.  The ceremony and reception were all in one place, which meant we had that much less to stress about, pay for and coordinate.  (Have I mentioned that we are lazy, lazy people?)

A few weeks earlier, we attended my husband’s best friend’s wedding.  The bride-to-be shared that she had purchased satin slippers to wear at the reception.  Brilliant.  I had tried on multiple pairs of wedding shoes and they all seemed to accomplish one thing – they were so uncomfortable that I could not forget for a second that I was wearing them.  I purchased the one pair that had enough of a heel to avoid having to alter the wedding dress.  (Have I mentioned we were poor college students?)

After the ceremony, I gleefully slipped out of the wedding death shoes and into my satin slippers.  The felt like magic pillows and I could almost feel my feet heave a sigh of relief.

We toasted, we ate and we cut the cake.  The DJ had been instructed to play “our song” as the first dance.  He may have had too much wine because instead of our song, he started to play Will Smith’s “Getting Jiggy With It.”  I stared at him with hate daggers until he changed the song.  Husband and I danced, people clapped and all was well.

A while later, while getting my groove on to Tone Loc’s “Wild Thing,” disaster struck.  My non-skid slippered foot went one way and my leg went another.  Before I knew what was happening, I was on the floor and my kneecap had migrated to the side of my leg.  This was not good.

While I was trying to figure out what to do, my mother (for reasons I will never understand to this day) started to unzip my dress.  I was already a bride down and I certainly didn’t want to be a naked bride down so I hissed at her to stop.

The ambulance arrived and as I was being loaded onto the gurney, I remember thinking that this MUST be an episode of Candid Camera.  Right?  Brides don’t fall down on their wedding day.  And yet, here was my mangled leg with the kneecap still hanging out to the left of where it usually lived.

As I was being wheeled down the hospital hallway, I heard someone say “Oh my gosh!  It’s a bride on a gurney.”  Part of me wanted to feebly raise my hand and say “Yes folks, I’ll be here all week.  Don’t forget to tip your waitresses” but I was in shock and not capable of saying much.

They asked me name and I’d been married all of two hours so I wasn’t sure what my name was at this point.  We agreed that for insurance purposes, I was not married and still retaining my maiden name.

Once in my room, the doctors gave me lots of drugs and whispered nervously.  I have a weird pain response in that when I am in a lot of pain, drugs simply do not work.  Every few minutes, the doctor would put something in my IV and say “Can you still feel your knee?”  Umm.  Yes.  I can still feel the knee that decided to take a field trip without my permission.  Please put it back.

I had been given enough drugs to put down an elephant and I was still in a lot of pain so the doctors decided to act.  They ushered my husband and my mother to a room down the hall.  I wanted to hold my husband’s hand but they wouldn’t let him stay in the room with me because he “shouldn’t see this.”  (Which, incidentally, is something that should never be said anywhere near a patient.)

They relocated my knee, I screamed and then I felt an immediate rush of relief.  At that exact moment, all of the horse tranquilizers kicked in and I was high as a kite.  A cute male nurse came in, stroked my arm and said, “What happened to you?  Were you getting jiggy with it?”

“Nooooooo,” I replied.  “I was doing The Wild Thing.”  I started to sing the song.  (Have I mentioned that I cannot sing?  At all?)

The following moments are somewhat blurry but I remember my husband coming in and I told him that he was cute and we should get married.  They let me sit there in my own high-ness for a while and my husband and mother dealt with the hospital paperwork.

When the doctor came back in, he put a brace on my leg and said I would probably have to postpone my honeymoon.  “NOOOOOO.  I’m still going to Jamaica and I’m going to have lots of drinks with umbrellas in them,” I said.  The doctor looked warily at my husband and asked, “When are you supposed to leave?”

I answered for him.  “The day after tomorrow.  And I’m going to be FIIIIINNNNNEEEEE.  I can go to Jamaica right now.  That’s how good I feel.”

The doctor looked at me like I was a crazy person (because I was) and said he was going to go get my crutches.  At some point before my crutches made it to me, my friends intervened and covered the crutches in toilet paper.  While I was crutching down the hallway to leave, my friends hummed “Here Comes The Bride.”

The rest of the evening consisted of attempting to get up three flights of stairs to our apartment in a wedding dress with a bum leg.  Clearly, getting jiggy with it was off the menu.  Instead, we spent our wedding night rotating bags of frozen vegetables on and off my knee.

Six weeks later, we DID go to Jamaica and had a lovely time.  (Have I mentioned that we’re still happily married?)

(photo courtesy of Karen Foley/Dreamstime.com)

Kelly N. Vance About Kelly N. Vance

Kelly N. Vance is a professional freelance writer with a B.A. in Psychology and ten years in the fitness industry. Her skills are content writing, editing, cat-wrangling and making up words while claiming they are real. She may or may not have six toes. Send her love letters at http://www.kellyvance.com/wp/.

Kelly N. Vance About Kelly N. Vance

Kelly N. Vance is a professional freelance writer with a B.A. in Psychology and ten years in the fitness industry. Her skills are content writing, editing, cat-wrangling and making up words while claiming they are real. She may or may not have six toes. Send her love letters at http://www.kellyvance.com/wp/.

  • This is a great story!! I know some brides are nervous, but you really broke a leg! 🙂

    • Kelly N. Vance

      Almost, yes! 🙂

    • TheBigMilkshake

      Too funny!

  • David Tee

    Nice read on this one!

    • David Tee

      Oh and give your legs some day-off sometimes!

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