The Desperate Romantic Gestures of a 7th Grader

teen romance

My parents met when they were six years old. Let’s all give that a moment to sink in. SIX YEARS OLD. Of course I’m happy for them, I mean come on! They’re still happily married. Great. Good for you, you happy dumb, beautiful, lovely freaks what brought me into this crazy mixed up world. You found your soul mates at the freakish freak age of six. You dumb freaks.

So what does that do to an otherwise un-preoccupied young boy? What happens when a rather indoorsy child who is well versed in the trials and tribulations of a certain BOY who is the process of MEETING the WORLD finds out that his parents are dead ringers for Cory and Topanga in terms of total happiness? The most apparent effect was that it had me concerned with matters of romance at far too young of an age. I found myself asking, “How old am I? Seven? Oh hm. Have I met my soul mate yet? No? GUESS I’M LATE.” Commence anxiety.

I should be thankful. Comedic tendencies don’t come easy. They usually stem from pain and the subsequent masking of that pain. I didn’t have abusive parents with drinking problems. All I had were my dumb parents with their dumb, majestic love. So I worked with what I had.

One particularly formative moment of emotional devastation came on a cold New Hampshire night at the Gilbert H. Hood Middle School Friday dance. They had these things every Friday. I’ve since learned that is unusual. For some reason, Gilbert deemed it necessary to separate the anxious and the confident by force every cow tippin’ week. For some reason, I decided this was my week. Her name was [NAME OMITTED]. Such a pretty name. I was convinced Namey and I were a match made in heaven. She was perfect: A scrawny, flaxen haired 7th grade beauty with freckles. We had so much in common! We both liked Alias! So much in common!

The plan was this: Bribe the DJ. He dedicates the song “Wonderwall” by Oasis to one miss [NAME OMITTED] at precisely 8:00 PM. Ask her to dance. She says yes. Some other stuff happens. We get married. Fool proof. Look, I don’t need you to point out the many fools that could proof this plan. I’ve had quite a few years to reflect on this and CLEARLY I’ve let it go so shut up. Nerd. Needless to say, it didn’t go well. Side note: what kind of depraved maniac DJ accepts a five dollar bribe from a 13-year-old?

The clock strikes eight. The song comes on. The DJ announces my dedication. Sources would later confirm my not-quite-wife-to-be responded to her dedication thusly: “I’m going to kill him.” I suppose now is a good time to tell you that everyone in the world already knew I liked her because I had told them. So of course she also knew. She did dance with me, bless her heart. But she wouldn’t look at me the entire time.

At the end she turned to me and asked, “Why did you do this? You really embarrassed me.” At the time, this was the most baffling thing I had ever heard. All I could say was, “Did you even listen to the lyrics?” Surely Mr. Gallagher’s lyrics had conveyed every single thing I was feeling. Surely the radness of my gesture would overpower her embarrassment at being put on the spot. Years would go by before I realized I should have been a little surer of where I stood with her before I unleashed this move. I should have listened when she told me she didn’t like me. Lyrics aren’t necessarily a solid foundation for a lasting relationship. Thank goodness listening turned out to be a great one.

Danny Gendron About Danny Gendron

Danny Gendron is a writer and improv comedian from New Hampshire currently living in the Los Angeles area. He likes to write about the personal embarrassment of himself and others. You can follow his slightly more surreal and slightly more offensive twitter @DannyLikesTV. His Amazon Wishlist currently consists of a Jimmy Johns Italian Sub. So do with that what you will.

Danny Gendron About Danny Gendron

Danny Gendron is a writer and improv comedian from New Hampshire currently living in the Los Angeles area. He likes to write about the personal embarrassment of himself and others. You can follow his slightly more surreal and slightly more offensive twitter @DannyLikesTV. His Amazon Wishlist currently consists of a Jimmy Johns Italian Sub. So do with that what you will.

  • KooKKy

    Funny!

Smiles For All