Pain in Motion

pain

Initially, when I blurted out to my wife that I was going to join her at the local exercise emporium, I looked around to see if someone was standing behind me who had uttered those dastardly words. My wife was shocked and ran for the phone to tell my daughter, who was equally shocked. Now it was “out there” and I couldn’t very well back down.

On “D” morning I opened one eye, hoping my wife had forgotten my nasty promise, the one I had uttered in a moment of weakness. I was hoping for a miracle at the last minute to prevent me from going. I looked upward for divine guidance, but all could see was the ceiling needed painting.

When we arrived at the health club, my wife headed for the aerobic dancing sector, where the women try to hurt themselves by dancing and lifting small weights to very fast music. My daughter and I headed for the running track that encircled the entire facility. I chose the walking lane and the pace I selected was slightly more than window shopping but much slower than galloping. If it wasn’t for the fact my daughter was keeping me company, I would have gotten bored very quickly.

On the way around, one women gave me a very disdainful look after she saw my lovely daughter striding hand in hand with me. She was probably wondering what that beautiful female saw in that person with the white hair and beer belly who was wheezing and panting quite loudly.

After a while we headed towards the equipment section.. Acting as my personal trainer, my daughter introduced me to every machine in the line, until each individual muscle in my body started to cry out in pain.

I felt very comfortable on the stationary bicycle because it was just like my bike at home, except it didn’t have two flat tires. While riding this contraption, I was able to carry on a line of conversation with characters who were introduced to me by my daughter. Since they had never heard my amateur stand-up comedy act before, I was having the time of my life keeping everyone within earshot entertained.

After showering and noticing that all my body parts were still intact, and feeling better than I had felt for a long time, I decided to renew my now extinct membership.

After checking his computer, the manager said that I had stopped showing up on their computer three years ago. Aghast, the manager asked me how I could have been so negligent. With a straight face I told him my membership must have expired after my triple bypass and subsequent truck accident.

I told him a beer truck had backed over me three days after I got out of the hospital from my bypass. With tears in his eyes he renewed my membership. I should have told him the beer was not one of my favorites. That would have really added insult to injury.

(photo courtesy of Danilo Rizzuit/Freedigitalphotos.net)

Jerry Goldberg About Jerry Goldberg

Jerry Goldberg grew up on the west side of Chicago. After high school, he was drafted in the Army during the Korean conflict. Upon his honorable discharge, he joined Local 130 in Chicago as a plumber, working from 1952 to 2000. Jerry has been happily married for 60 years, residing with his wife, Gloria, in Huntley, Illinois. They were blessed with two wonderful children, and have three grandchildren and three great-grandchildren.
When his son encouraged him to get online, Jerry replied, "What do I need that for?" But all that changed a year into his retirement, when his daughter gave him a modem for his birthday, opening a whole new chapter. Finding stained glass insufficiently fulfilling, Jerry discovered the AARP message boards and began his one-finger magic. Eventually, he became quite proficient (two fingers), starting a board called, "Jerry's Corner."

This board was the second most popular board on AOL. Jerry bantered with any and all, and began writing humorous true stories of his past life. The stories you see here are a compilation of most he has written ... enjoy!

Jerry Goldberg About Jerry Goldberg

Jerry Goldberg grew up on the west side of Chicago. After high school, he was drafted in the Army during the Korean conflict. Upon his honorable discharge, he joined Local 130 in Chicago as a plumber, working from 1952 to 2000. Jerry has been happily married for 60 years, residing with his wife, Gloria, in Huntley, Illinois. They were blessed with two wonderful children, and have three grandchildren and three great-grandchildren.
When his son encouraged him to get online, Jerry replied, "What do I need that for?" But all that changed a year into his retirement, when his daughter gave him a modem for his birthday, opening a whole new chapter. Finding stained glass insufficiently fulfilling, Jerry discovered the AARP message boards and began his one-finger magic. Eventually, he became quite proficient (two fingers), starting a board called, "Jerry's Corner."

This board was the second most popular board on AOL. Jerry bantered with any and all, and began writing humorous true stories of his past life. The stories you see here are a compilation of most he has written ... enjoy!

Smiles For All