Dear Dad, How Could You?!

DearDadPostColorHappy Father’s Day, Papa!

I’ve got a present for you that I think you’ll like. Remember that time you did that embarrassing thing? I FORGIVE YOU!

What? No, not the time you told the Nomar Garciaparra look-alike that I thought he was cute. No, not the time you scared all the guys in my 8th grade class on the Boston fieldtrip at 5AM. No, not the time you had to teach me how to Skip-It. That was cute.

You can’t guess? Fine, I’ll fill you in on the traumatizing details.

I was about 10. It was Sunday morning so we were getting ready to go to Mass. We were having a small family gathering that day (approximately 12 people– that’s small for us) so Mom was preparing the meal. She stayed home while you, Big Bro, and I went to church. It seemed like a normal Sunday. Then again, all horror stories start out mundane.

Halfway through Mass is when it happened. According to your recollection you thought no one would notice. It seemed like a simple act all people need to do from time to time. You would do what had to be done and no one would be the wiser. Unfortunately, we all noticed.

You farted.

Not just any fart. This was a loud one. Churches are not built to hide farts. They contain wooden pews and great acoustics to carry singers’ voices… and the sounds of farts.

As everyone turned and looked in our direction you only said one word.

“ABIGAIL!”

My name. How could you! We were in a holy place! You looked at me and said my name as if I had done the terrible deed. Big Bro could barely contain his laughter. People around snickered as I stared at you in complete awe and silence. Partly because it was the part of Mass where we were supposed to be silent but mostly because you betrayed me. Your own daughter! And just when I thought the torture of judgmental stares were over is when the smell kicked in. I won’t go into detail there. I still have nightmares about it.

Wait, are you laughing? This is not a laughing matter! Mom, you too? I can’t believe either of you! YOU’RE supposed to be the adults here. You know what, I take it back.  The memory is still too devastating to forget. Here, dad, have a gift card to Home Depot. I think they’re having a sale on drills.

Happy Father’s Day.

(image of church courtesy of artur84/ freedigitalphotos.net)

 

If you enjoyed this story, you’ll probably enjoy this story about a man taking his first yoga lesson among a sea of women.

If you didn’t enjoy this story, you might prefer reading about this young boy’s well-thought-out plan for Mother’s Day.

Abby Smith About Abby Smith

Abby Smith is a ginger lady born and raised in The Shire (New Hampshire that is). She now lives in Los Angeles and spends her days burning in the sun and wishing southern California got more snow. If she had a cow she would name it Moolan. You can follow her on Twitter @ReddHede or on Tumblr at aellensmith.tumblr.com

Abby Smith About Abby Smith

Abby Smith is a ginger lady born and raised in The Shire (New Hampshire that is). She now lives in Los Angeles and spends her days burning in the sun and wishing southern California got more snow. If she had a cow she would name it Moolan. You can follow her on Twitter @ReddHede or on Tumblr at aellensmith.tumblr.com

  • Abby Smith

    My mother’s reaction upon reading this:
    “Really glad Mother’s Day has gone by…”

    • TheBigMilkshake

      Too funny Abby. Can’t wait for your Mother’s Day story 2014.

  • TheBigMilkshake

    LOL!!!

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