Almost One Biscuit Short

biscuit

My boss told me to install a faucet for a homeowner. When I rang the bell, his gargantuan dog leaped at me, trying to get any part of me that he could get a grip on. Fortunately, the screen door saved me from disaster.

Then the homeowner appeared, and restrained him as best he could. When I finally entered the kitchen, I kept a wary eye on the dog and he seemed to be doing the same to me.

I checked my work order to make sure I had the right house. Right off the bat he tells me he has an appointment, and I’m on my own while he’s gone. Casting a wary eye on the dog, I asked him if he was taking the dog with him. I had never seen a dog this big before. He laughed and said the dog was staying, but I had nothing to worry about, as long as I kept giving him his favorite biscuits. Then he handed me a bag with six biscuits in it.

“I need more biscuits,” I said, but my plea fell on deaf ears because he didn’t have any more. “All I can say is that when you run out of biscuits, you better be out of here!” With that, he walked out the door and left me to fend for myself.

I didn’t try to make friends with this dog because he looked too intimidating, I was afraid he might take my arm off if I tried to pet him. Instead, I went to work, keeping one eye on the ferocious animal.

Right about then the mailman rang the bell and recoiled in terror, as the beast tried to go through the screen door to get to him. I guarantee the mail wasn’t delivered.  Gritting my teeth, I approached the dog very carefully, held the cookie out in my outstretched hand and hoped for the best. I was in luck because he snatched the cookie and spared my fingers. The cookie kept him busy for about five seconds, but now he was back for more.

I tried to ignore him while installing the faucet, but that evil eye he was giving me was really scary, so I gave him another cookie. That’s when I realized I had left an important tool in my trunk. If I walked out, I may never be able to come back in. Remembering what he had almost done to the mailman I decided to take my tools out with me in case he began lunging at me. When I returned a few minutes later, I made sure I gave him that third cookie. He didn’t lunge, but that cookie did a vanishing act.

I’m lying on my back in the kitchen cabinet and I don’t like the way he’s sniffing me, so I give him another cookie. I’m thinking I better pace myself or I’m going to run out of cookies. These cookies were so big I could have one for dinner and this dog was gulping them down like they were hors d’oeuvres.

Two left and I have twenty more minutes to finish the job. Ten minutes later I give him the fifth cookie and he looks mollified for about ten seconds.

Finally, I’m finished and I push my toolbox close to the door, step out and toss the last cookie about ten feet to the other side of the kitchen. When he lunges after the cookie I slide the tools out and I’m out of there. Whew, a job well done and I was still intact.

(photo courtesy of aopsan/ freedigitalphotos.net)

Jerry Goldberg About Jerry Goldberg

Jerry Goldberg grew up on the west side of Chicago. After high school, he was drafted in the Army during the Korean conflict. Upon his honorable discharge, he joined Local 130 in Chicago as a plumber, working from 1952 to 2000. Jerry has been happily married for 60 years, residing with his wife, Gloria, in Huntley, Illinois. They were blessed with two wonderful children, and have three grandchildren and three great-grandchildren.
When his son encouraged him to get online, Jerry replied, “What do I need that for?” But all that changed a year into his retirement, when his daughter gave him a modem for his birthday, opening a whole new chapter. Finding stained glass insufficiently fulfilling, Jerry discovered the AARP message boards and began his one-finger magic. Eventually, he became quite proficient (two fingers), starting a board called, “Jerry’s Corner.”

This board was the second most popular board on AOL. Jerry bantered with any and all, and began writing humorous true stories of his past life. The stories you see here are a compilation of most he has written … enjoy!

Jerry Goldberg About Jerry Goldberg

Jerry Goldberg grew up on the west side of Chicago. After high school, he was drafted in the Army during the Korean conflict. Upon his honorable discharge, he joined Local 130 in Chicago as a plumber, working from 1952 to 2000. Jerry has been happily married for 60 years, residing with his wife, Gloria, in Huntley, Illinois. They were blessed with two wonderful children, and have three grandchildren and three great-grandchildren.
When his son encouraged him to get online, Jerry replied, “What do I need that for?” But all that changed a year into his retirement, when his daughter gave him a modem for his birthday, opening a whole new chapter. Finding stained glass insufficiently fulfilling, Jerry discovered the AARP message boards and began his one-finger magic. Eventually, he became quite proficient (two fingers), starting a board called, “Jerry’s Corner.”

This board was the second most popular board on AOL. Jerry bantered with any and all, and began writing humorous true stories of his past life. The stories you see here are a compilation of most he has written … enjoy!

  • Steven Ernest Scott

    Hmmm…if you charge by the hour, that may have been his intent – to get you to finish sooner.

    • Jerry Goldberg

      Very insightful Steven, but in this case you missed the mark slightly. This job was not time and material.

  • Patricia (Mom)

    Jerry, I enjoyed the story but was stressing as the biscuits began to disappear … talk about a stressful job … 🙂

    • Jerry Goldberg

      Thanks Patricia, but I came through it one piece. Returning to the shop I insisted to my boss I ought to get “Danger Pay for a job like that. All he did was chuckle and say…”In your dreams!”

      • TheBigMilkshake

        Makes sense to have asked though!

  • Carrie Cabo

    I’ve had the pleasure of reading your stories over the years and always will delight! This one however, I had not read and it didn’t fail in amusing me and giving me the visual as you do so well. Keep up the good work and continue sharing Y.. it’s a gift to be shared..

    • Jerry Goldberg

      Hi Carrie, my life’s work is to keep you and all my readers on the edge of their seat.

Smiles For All